Joke Thread

[Brucie]

A man comes back from the Amazon with a cock sucking frog, and shows it to his wife.
She asks "What should I do with that?"
He says "Teach it to cook then FUCK OFF!"

[Brucie]

A woman stands in front of a mirror and says to her husband.... "I look horrible, fat and ugly... PAY ME A COMPILMENT!"



Husband replies "Your eyesights f**king spot on"

[mook]

Sorry for my terrible english...
(And maybe I already told this one to some of ya)

I guy wants to have a nice bird for at home.
He goes into a pet shop and explains the guy behind the counter his needs.
The guys replies: just walk into the back of the store. That's were I keep all the birds.
Certainly there must be something that suits you.

The guy walks into the back and takes a good look around.
Suddenly, one of the birds says: Hey! You there!
Who? Me? the man replies.
Yes, you! Whatta you lookin at?
Well, the man says, I'm looking for a nice bird for at home.
Take me! The bird says.
I'm cool. I can talk. And not just talk. I can talk about anything!
Women, fast cars, sports, anything.
Besides that, I'm special!

Ow yeah? Why's that?

Well, because I actually don't have any claws to stand on.

You don't? Then how do you sit on that stick???

Well, the bird replies, I've got quite a large dick.
I just wrap it around this stick a couple of times and that keeps me sitting on it.
The bird spreads his feathers and the man looks astonishing.

I have never seen anything like this before!

Yeah I know, the bird says, I hear that all the time!
Just pay the guy 100 dollars and you can have me.
We'll have lots of fun together.

The guy buys the bird and takes him home and puts him on his stick besides the couch.
And they are really having a wonderful time.
Whistling to the ladies walking by, reading car magazines, watching sports on the telly.

One day the guy comes home and the birds says PSSST! to the guy.
What?
Come over here.
Why? What is going on?
Well, the bird says, I think you're wive is having an affair.
I don't think so, the guy replies. She is very loyal to me.
Well, the birds says, this morning, when the postman came by she opened the door for him and asked him if he would like to share a cup of tea!
Sow? That's just being polite!
Yes, but she was very scarcely clothed.
How scarcely?
She was only wearing her pyamas.
Ow, that's strange. And what happened then?
Well, the postman came in... she closed the door... she puts her arms around his middle... the postman does the same... then she is weaving her hands through his hair... he does the same... the she lowers her hands.... down to his shoulders.... down to his middle again... the postman is lowering his hands... down to her ears.... down to her shoulders... down to her middle.... down to her bottoms... down to her legs....


Yes? And then?
I don't know, I fell of my stick!

[Postman Pat]

What's the definition of bravery?


A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

[MadGeorge]

Please note I am not racist or anything like that - just jokes I have been sent

[sup]edited[/sup]

--

Bloke goes to Amsterdam red-light district area, and asks for a woman with saggy breasts, big belly, and saddle bag p*** flaps.
"Kinky then sir?"
"No.. Home Sick!"

--

A teenage girl asked her mum, "Is it true babies come from the same place boys put their penises?"
The mum replies, "Yes dear!"
The girl then says, "Wouldn't that break my jaw?"

--

A little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider.
"What do you want a glass of cider for?"
"I've cut my hand on a thorn." explains the child.
"So, why the cider?" asks her mum.
"Well, I overheard my sister say, whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she feels a lot better once it's in cider."

--

[sup]edited[/sup]

--

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home, but they fall and he ends up on top of her.
The landlord says, "Oi Mate! You can't do that in here!"
The Rev replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps!"
The landlord raises an eyebrow and says, "Well if you're that far, you may as well finish!"

--

"Dad! I've just had sex for the first time!"
Dad is pleased and says, "Congratulations son!", getting two beers out the fridge, "Any questions?"
"Yes", replies the son, "how long will my arse hurt?"

--

A little boy is in Tesco crying. A man walks up to him and says, "Are you lost?"
The boys sniffs and says, "Yes"
Concerned, the man asks, "What's your mummy like?"
Boy replies, "Big C***s and Bacardi Breezers"

--

A young widow goes to the doctor for an internal check-up.
Confused, the Doctor says, "You're still a virgin but have been married and widowed 3 times, how's that?"
The widow replies,
"First husband was an astronomer.. All he wanted to do was stare at it!
Second husband was a psychologist.. All he wanted to do was talk to it!
Third husband was a stamp collector.. God, I miss him!"

--

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.
His dad said, "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed.
His dad asked, "Where are you going son?"
Patrick replied, "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no f***ing bike!"

--

Woman set her fanny on fire by accident.
Husband says, "Stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out."
The woman goes out onto the balcony, but slips over the railings.
Paddy and Murphy were stood below.
Paddy said to Murphy, "Is that a comet?"
Murphy laughs and replies, "Don't be a f***ing dick, it's a twatalite!"

--

The teacher draws a penis on the blackboard.
She asks, "Anyone know what this is?"
Little Jonny says, "My dad has two of those! One small one for weeing, and a BIG one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

--

Q. Which one is the odd one out?

1. Toaster
2. Washing Machine
3. Dish Washer
4. Woman


A. Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's f***ed!

--

[sup]edited[/sup]

--

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
"I've run over a pig, it's stuck under my tractor and it's still alive" says the farm hand.
Farmer Giles thinks and then says, "Shoot it.. And then bury it"
Ten minutes later the phone rings again.
The farm hand says, "Done that sir. Now what should I do with his speed camera?"

--

Two dyslexic robbers ran into a bank shouting,
"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f*** up!"

--

One dyslexic man says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"
The other replies, "P*** Off! I can't even smell my own name"

--

A Priest is fond of his rooster and hens. One day, the rooster goes missing.
The next day, in church, the Priest asks everyone, "Has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women stand up.
The Priest growls and then asks, "Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stand up.
Annoyed, the Priest shouts, "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY COCK?"
The choir boys stand up.

[red_ned]

Sorry bout the edits, rude yes but no race stuff.

thanks for rest though i enjoyed them

ned

[red_ned]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches
high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him.

'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and the y just keep
coming, duck after duck after duck!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's'
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
pianist?'

[Kop]

man sat on a towel on beach. he had no arms or legs. 3 women walked past him and felt sorry for him . 1st womand said have you ever had a hug ? he replies No . she huged him and walked on . 2nd woman asked him have you ever had a kiss ? he replies no woman kiss's him and walks on 3rd woman said have you ever been fucked . man replys No . the woman replys well you will be when the tide comes in

[yoshiarms]

wife to husband "i had a wet dream about you last night"
hubby: "really"
wife: "yeah you got hit by a bus and i pissed myself laughing"

[vixen]

i know where u got that from yoshi lol i got sent it too!!