Joke Thread

[vixen]

mr smith phones surgery for his wifes test results

receptionist says "sorry we have 2 sets of results for mrs smiths and they have got mixed up one has alzheimers one has aids"

man says "oh dear what should i do?"

receptionist replies "drop her off in townand if she finds her way home DONT F*** HER!!"

[vixen]

GUY ON A BUCKING BRONCO AT A FAIR LASTS 10 MINUTES. ONLOOKER SAYS "CRIKEY THATS IMPRESSIVE" MAN SAYS "I GET A LOT OF PRACTISE MY WIFES EPILEPTIC"

MAN RUNS INTO A PET SHOP AND PUTS A BOMB ON THE COUNTER SHOUTING "YOU HAVE 1 MINUTE TO GET OUT OF THE SHOP" TORTOISE AT THE BACK SHOUTS "YOU C***"

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU COME ACROSS A TIGER IN THE JUNGLE? WIPE IT DOWN APOLOGISE THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!

[vixen]

MAN GIVES BLOOD TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIENDS LIFE. A FEW YEARS LATER THEY SPLIT UP AND HE ASKS FOR IT BACK. SHE CHUCKS A USED TAMPON AT HIM AND YELLS "YOU BASTARD YOU CAN HAVE IT IN INSTALMENTS"

[vixen]

popped home lunchtime caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! cant believe the police wont do anything! they said the bastard was corgi registered

[red_ned]

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

[red_ned]

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said


"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

[red_ned]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[red_ned]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[red_ned]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[red_ned]

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"