Joke Thread

[red_ned]

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

[dethmonkee]

Tim is having a drink in a bar. Another man sits down next to him and asks "If you saw someone raging drunk in the street, would you call the Police?"
Tim answers "Nope."
The man then asks "If you woke up in a strange room with a terrible hangover and a strange pain in your bottom, would you call the Police?"
Tim thinks hard about this. He then answers "Probably not."
The man then asks "Would you like a couple shots of vodka then?"

Not sure if you'll find it funny, it sounds much better said out loud.

[red_ned]

Who Says Women Golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Matching lavender outfit: £200
New pair of French sunglasses: £100
NIKE products Endorsements: £10,000,000

Having a 'special place' to hold your putter . . PRICELESS

[yoshiarms]

man calls wife:

"come here look at me clock".

she walks in to find him naked with a hard one she says

"thats no clock"

he says:

"it will be when you put 2 hands and a face on it"."

[schizodefective]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

[schizodefective]

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee: Ridge hall computer assistance; may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm.
So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won’t accept anything when I type
Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
What's a see-prompt?
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you that it’s on?
I don't know.
Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great.
Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you where behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are.
I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can’t reach.
Uh huh.
Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No?
Why not?
Because there's a power failure.
A power... a power failure?
Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packaging stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes I’m afraid it is
Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them?
Tell them that your too ****ing stupid to own a computer."

[Kop]

lol

[Angelus]

Kop

[Kop]

harsh and not fair

h8 u now

[Angelus]

yay and it only took 19 posts